Dovecote

WTF: CONE-SHAPED PIZZA EXISTSPosted by user on 02.22.10

If you didn't hear, cone-shaped pizza has now landed in New York. It looks like that. FOR REAL.

This is both wrong and amazing on a few different levels. Ruminations from a few of those levels below.

On a "Really? In New York City of all places?" level:

Perpetrators of the cone-shaped pizza: In the immortal words of Axl Rose, do you know where the fuck you are? You've taken our beloved slice and turned it into a fucking gimmick, sold out of what looks more like a Pinkberry than a pizzeria. I mean, New York City pizza is already sort of a gimmick, what with the five thousand "Famous Original Ray's" in Manhattan and the fact that we only ever eat the shit when we're super drunk and need something to catapult the caludron of whiskey out of our bellies and onto the sidewalk via vomiting, but at least it's a sacred gimmick. New Yorkers love pizza. They don't like fucking cones, unless we're talking about Bugles, which are awesome no matter where you are.

On a "Really? Must you defile such a perfect food by twisting it into such a shape?" level:

Perpetrators of the cone-shaped pizza: You obviously do not understand the pleasures of a slice of pizza. Sure, some assholes fold the shit over and some assholes use knives and forks like real Italians do (real talk), but the rest of us that eat like normal humans like–nay, relish–the challenge of fitting a foot-long triangle filled with lava-like tomato sauce and greasier-than-my-armpit mozzarella into our mouths without getting it all over our shit. Sometimes we fail. Most often we don't. But to turn this holy snack into a glorified mug of itself is just...wrong.

On a "Actually, I'm kind of intrigued to try this, mainly because I have no morals about food and love schtik-y things like this" level, a.k.a the Kosuke level:

Perpetrators of the cone-shaped pizza: Thank you for realizing my dream of turning pizza into something I can eat whilst taking a dump and wiping my ass. Life: pwned.